Wooden Dutch shoes and all things.....wrinkled

After seven days at sea on this ship with a Dutch-looking flag, the shore can't appear off my balcony on the ninth level fast enough. This is my fifth cruise in a span of three and a half years; it may be my last for a while.

Without opening myself to a libel suit, I did know that this particular cruise line catered to "older" cruisers. Meaning those WAY over my own age. (For those of you new to this page, I will qualify for Medicare in six days. I congratulated the on-board blues band for proving there were actual pulses aboard ship with mine, something I seriously doubted for the first few days aboard.)

Some other clues that I had picked the wrong cruise line this time.....

• Even if this Dutch-sounding cruise line had provided a pair of their wooden shoes to all those who came aboard, it wouldn't have slowed these people down any more than they already were. 
• The spa spent most of its time presenting seminars on taking care of your feet.
• The bar called "Chocolate Seduction" was never open, probably because no one who crawled on board could remember what that second word meant. And their doctors had told them to avoid the first one anyway. (Bad for those hearts.....)
• I didn't get splashed even once in the pool by a person younger than 80. Actually, the pool never had more than five people in it at any one time.
  

  

  A lonely pool.....

• All the "Name That Tune" games featured music from the Big Band era.
• .....and all the games were over by sunset.
• Most people were reading real books.
• The bars were populated only by a crew member wiping the already-clean bar...a lot. 

  

  A lonely buffet area....

  

  The lonely barkeep.....

  
  
• What's up with this mouth-breathing thing with older people?? Mysterious. But maybe that's why I was feeling anxious to get back to shore; all the oxygen around me was being sucked out of the air.
• The nurse automatically asked what blood thinner patients were on before passing out band aids.
• The only noise in the passageways at night came from the lonely "DING!" of an elevator.....once an hour or so. 

  

   A lonely theater....

I thought I would welcome a vacation at sea sans children and drunks. In exchange, though, I got  more gnarled feet that I ever care to see again and no activities that even smacked of a trip to the tropics. (I sadly remembered the great deck parties that started even before the ship sailed...on all those OTHER cruise lines.)

All of this is another reminder of the axiom that continues to prove itself as I age to perfection: Be careful what you wish for.

“If you didn't remember something happening, was it because it never had happened? Or because you wished it hadn't?”
― Jodi Picoult, Plain Truth

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....

......and is advertised as a "gambling" cruise, take them at their word.

Believe me.

As I've gotten older, I have become cynical about advertising. In other words, I believe NOTHING. This has proven to be a safe tactic to follow. Usually.

There are exceptions, it seems. I found that out this weekend. We had purchased a "Casino Cruise" and even though we don't gamble, we thought it would be a nice evening on the water and a chance to spend the night out of town. The price included dinner for two, a $5 coupon for some game of chance (which we gave away later), and the cruise. Good deal, huh?

But it WAS a gambling boat. And that was advertising truth. The owners of the business wanted its patrons to do one thing: gamble. After six of the longest hours of my life, we knew that we should have taken them at their word on this one.

I worked in a facility once for delinquent boys. I was a "housemother" (which is terribly funny to me now, but that's a story for another day) who lived in a big house with about 10 boys who were....well, the name says it all, right? And we ate in a cafeteria, so I didn't have to cook for them. Serving as target practice for thrown furniture was bad enough.

When we herded the boys through the line to get our "food," it was often unrecognizable. The "dinner" we had on this boat was reminscent of those good times. The chopped steak was gray, the ham was overcooked, and the mixed veggies swam in a green liquid. The "chef" plopped a scoop of mashed potatoes on our plates and then swirled a brown gelatinous semi-pudding gravy over them. At least he had the good grace not to smile as he moved us through the line.

One of the worst meals of my life. Bar none. Plus they wouldn't serve alcohol during the meal. THAT was only available in.....the casino, of course! While we ate this delectable cuisine, Santa Claus serenaded us on his karaoke machine. Of course, that wasn't his real name, but it was hard not to make comparisons with the full white beard, suspenders, and jolly tummy. He did have a good voice, though, and there was even a dance floor. AHA! we thought. We had found our hang out during the rest of the cruise. We would return there later and enjoy the music and dance, which is all I need in life to keep me happy. Then later we can return to the open-air deck and relax in deck chairs under the stars. Who needs gambling? Our plans were laid.

The boat left dock while we were eating, and we soon went up to that open-air deck to find three metal picnic-type tables with combined hard bench "seating" for about nine people, if you squished together real tight with seven people you didn't know, five of them (at least) smoking. Not a deck chair--or anything with a back on it at all--in sight. The deck below us, with a smaller observation area had no chairs or benches at all. So, we stood there as the boat chugged out to the three mile limit and then it began circling. Downstairs the casinos opened for business.

People raced down the steep metal stairs to one of two complete decks devoted to gambling. Everything from poker to routlette, plus those noisy slot machines. Folks found their game of choice and hunkered down for the duration.

And everything else on the boat shut down. Everything. We returned to the dining hall to listen to Santa and found him sitting in a corner; the music on this evening of fun stops when the casinos open for business and it stays quiet until time to return to the dock, some four and a half hours later. Plus, they lowered the thermostat in the dining hall to tundra temperatures to discourage "visitors." There were more comfortable chairs in this area, but we hadn't brought our down jackets in August; who knew? And there was nothing to do in there anyway. (We had considered bringing our own deck of cards on board to play rummy, but thought managment might not take kindly to that, so we left the cards behind. Mistake.)

In order to find a restroom (which had no soap in it all evening) or get a drink, you had to walk through......the casino.....where everyone in sight was smoking. Everyone. I haven't seen so many cigarettes alight in one place for decades. It's been three days, and I can still smell it somehow. My clothes had to be burned upon docking. Within 24 hours I developed a head cold, probably due to all those bodies crammed in one space for so long, the lack of soap, and a boat that isn't kept very clean to begin with.

So, if it advertises itself as a gambling cruise, believe it. If it quacks and walks like a duck, don't pretend you can transform it into a swan.

"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."

George Orwell

 

Back in port: Cruise control

I had never thought about it. Why would I?

How do over 3000 people on a cruise ship all get off at once? The logistics are astounding when you do stop to consider it.

Embarking at the other end of the cruise is a bit different. Not everyone arrives at the same time, all giddy to walk that gangway to start the fun. Your travel or cruise agent informs you that there is a window of time for boarding, several hours long, that travelers can use to plan their journey from home to port, so boarding is spread out over that time.

But getting off? That's a different proposition altogether. Crew members have to get rid of all of us--PLUS our collective luggage--in order to clean and restock that floating paradise for all those other passengers arriving. That same ship will pull out of port to do it all over again just a few short hours after we leave, a new group of over 3000 just starting their bit of heaven for a week or so.  How do they pull that off?

At the end of my first cruise, I felt highly inconvenienced the last night at sea when I got a message from my cabin steward--the one who waits on me hand and foot, remember?--directing me to pack up my luggage that night and have it out in the passageway by midnight. What?? What was I supposed to do without all my stuff from then until I got off this floating city? I learned that I could keep a small bag with me (whew!), but everything else needed to be collected by the crew the night before we even sailed into port.

When you stop and think about it, how else would they get it all gathered up and off the ship without starting early? Imagine how much luggage 3000 people can accumulate. I had two large suitcases myself for a 7 day cruise. (I know, I know, but there were TWO formal nights and that's two complete dressy outfits with different shoes and accessories, PLUS all those cute sundresses I got for the trip. Yes, they all had to come along, because you never know what shows you're going to want to see, and.....never mind. Every woman reading this understands what I mean.)

So, at midnight the night before you arrive back in port, the passageways are lined with every kind of suitcase you can imagine, waiting to be picked up. You sleep in undies (or nothing at all, because after all, you're still on vacation, and what happens on a cruise ship, stays on the ship, but we won't go there....) a small bag with toiletries, and the next morning it's time to rejoin reality as the ship majestically slides into port before dawn.

And then all those thousands of people have to get off with some planned exit strategy, another amazing feat of logistics. Each traveler is given a window of time and a location of the ship at which you gather with other bleary-eyed cruisers who don't want to go home yet, either, and you wait until your group is called. This has always gone well before--but not on this cruise, I must say. If you recall, the government's furloughs had begun and there was one--count him, the poor guy, ONE--customs agent waiting to chat amiably with all 3000 of us.

It took a while.

And remember all that luggage? All 6000+ pieces were waiting in one room to be claimed.

Welcome home!

Seven days worth....

Floating paradise!

In line for customs at the end of the cruise.....

One small area of luggage....good luck!

 

Cruise Control: Day 6

Roller skates, anyone?

This time we asked for a cabin in the middle. 

Meaning mid-ship, instead of all the way forward in the misty recesses of the longest corridor I have ever seen in my life. Ever.

On our cruise before this one, I almost started stashing my clothes in a restroom near the Atrium so that I wouldn't have to walk that corridor again.  Of course, my stuff would have disappeared almost instantly, due to the uber-efficiency of the housekeeping staff on board, just like every other department we had contact with on these ships. But I did think about it.

We'd open that passageway door leading to our cabin, look helplessly at each other, and begin the long trek. The other end wasn't even visible, as outrageous as that sounds.We walked and puffed and stopped to rest, and then we walked some more.

These ships are immense. I'm thinking that they build them that way in order to board literally thousands of people who pay a tiny fraction of the value they are going to experience while cruising. This way, the cruise lines maximize the concept of quantity, without sacrificing quality at all. It's a thing of beauty. Just about any other industry could learn a great deal from these companies.

The ship we were on for this cruise shakes out like this:

Year Built	2008
Refurbished	2011
Tonnage	113,000 tons
Length	950 feet
Beam	118 feet
Passenger Capacity	3,080

 3000 plus folks contained in a floating city. And that 950 feet is a long way from stem to stern, especially when you're sunburned and hungry, believe me. (I still think they need a buffet on each end of the ship, because no matter where I was starting from, that sucker was on the opposite end. I never did figure that one out.)

One day I walked the entire length of the ship--twice--trying to find the adult swimming pool. I didn't realize that there were TWO of them on board, and I was calling the one I wanted by the wrong name. I never found either one on that particular trek: the one I didn't know existed in the first place or the one I had been looking for when I set out from my cabin. (I think part of it was that "no window in my cabin" thing that I found so disorienting this time; I never knew which way the front--or back--of the ship was when I left my cabin, because I couldn't see which way the the ocean was flowing by. Very confusing.) I finally fell into a deck chair at one of the family pools out of sheer exhaustion. 

Of course, this won't stop me from cruising again, and we did do better with our cabin location this time. We also decided maybe it's in our best interests in the future to focus on smaller ships with fewer people. 

And only one adult pool.



 

Cruise Control: Day 5

Water, water everywhere.....

You know that old saying, right?

I'm not sure where it originated but I understand it from a new perspective now. And I have a finer appreciation of the readily available fresh water we have every day....and perhaps more incentive to help protect it.

I cruised to two new island paradises, St. Maarten and St. Thomas, during my latest voyage that can't say that. Who would have thought?

Rivers? Nope.

Even a tiny stream--somewhere, anywhere? Afraid not.

Lakes, springs....something?? No, and no again.

If I hadn't sailed hundreds of miles due east into the Atlantic last year to spend two days in Bermuda, it never would have occurred to me to ask such a question: Does this island have a fresh water supply? But because of what I learned there--they capture rain water for drinking and other necessary uses in specially designed roofs on all the buildings in Bermuda--I asked in both St. Maarten and St. Thomas recently as we toured these two islands paradises. The only difference this time is that both countries use desalinization plants to turn the salt water surrounding them into fresh water.

We took an island tour in St. Thomas and stood at 1100 feet at the top of its one "mountain," the Atlantic Ocean on one side and the Caribbean Sea on the other. Water as far as we could see in all directions.....and not a drop to drink.

Needless to say, neither restaurant we visited on these two jeweled isles offered us water at the table. And I certainly didn't ask for any, either.

We spend a lot of time haggling over how to protect our own water resources, and I'm sure there are a myriad of ways to do so and still protect not only the water supply but also just about everyone's interests along the way. I see this constant bickering from a different perspective now, one of being grateful first for the great river that wends its way through my own city here in NE Florida. My next thought is to be a bit more proactive in speaking up for its protection. It's hard to envision living without this natural resource at all, like thousands of people all over the world do every day. 

They would be overjoyed to even be part of the discussion.

Water is the driving force of all nature.

Victor Hugo

Cruise Control: Day 4

Cloud-watching is fine by me, but if you want to be entertained on a cruise, you don't have to wait long. Or ever.

Half of the activities for one day

Every evening, your cabin steward places the next day's schedule of activities in your room, probably because it will take you overnight to read it all. Much less decide what your plan for the day will be, between comedy shows, bingo, dance lessons, art auctions, movies, ice carving demonstrations, tours of the galley or laundry, musical theater shows to rival Las Vegas, magicians, lectures, bands. There is literally some form of entertainment scheduled every minute of every day, in dozens of venues around the ship.

And, the best part, it all runs on time.

Of course, there are places where nothing happens at all, if your reason for cruising is relaxation. That's where you will generally find me: next to a hot tub on a deck chair in the shade somewhere. A glass of champagne will be close by, with more available whenever I look around for one of those helpful young people who hover everywhere. And a book, of course, which I checked out from the ship's library. These "quiet zones" offer vistas of the ocean meandering by, its shade of blue changing from a brilliant azure close to shore to deep navy the farther we sail from shore. Not everyone wants to experience non-stop entertainment on vacation, especially those of us who are aging perfectly.

But rest assured, if it's on the ship's schedule, it will run on time, whatever it is. These people could educate a few businesses I know of back here on dry land.

Entertainment in the Piazza

Our favorite: Jazz

Zumba class in the Piazza

Dance demo

Tour of the galley

The blue card is your pass to....everything!

My personal favorite!

Is it legal to have this much fun??

Comedy show coming up!

"Fun is good."

Dr. Suess

Cruise Control: Day 3

A cruise ship is a luxury hotel on water, it's that simple. The opulence in the central gathering area--with a variety of names like The Atrium of The Piazza depending on the cruise line--is hard to believe when you contrast it with the price of the ticket. Soaring skylights, mosaic floors, floating staircases, and exquisite lighting everywhere can trick the traveler into believing they paid a lot of money to be there amid it all. The payoff for the cruise lines, of course, is that everyone wants to do it again, and as quickly as possible. (Just to make sure, though, you can reserve a future cruise for a mere $100 refundable deposit before you step a foot off the one you haven't finished yet. These people aren't stupid.)

The Piazza

The Piazza

The Piazza

Once you leave these areas, though, and head to your stateroom (which is a generous term for the kind of cabin most of us working folks can afford), be prepared to downsize quickly--including your basic turning-around radius. They have done the best they can, I must admit. Well-placed mirrors expanded the approximately 800 square feet of "living space" we were allotted in a regular sized cabin for two. The bathroom/changing area might add an additional 20 square feet, but I "paced off"

It WAS a king-size bed!

Desk, refrig, TV area

Main part of the cabin

Dressing area

Shower

Sink in bathroom

(without moving any part of my  body other than my toe) about 2.5 feet by 3.5 feet in the toilet/sink area, and another 3.5 feet by 4.5 feet in the shower. Suffice it to say, plan on exiting the shower stall completely if you drop the soap. There is no bending over room for retrieval.

But when you consider that you spend very little time in your cabin, the small size is not too great a burden to carry in exchange for being in this beautiful space to begin with. Coupled with the service and the great entertainment that is offered practically around the clock, you simply fall into bed at night, and rush out in the morning to eat, drink, and be merry.

Of course, you can pay more for a bigger space, right on up to a family suite with a balcony. (I imagine if you reserve that one you might need that balcony to toss off annoying family members after a few days at sea. At least, that's the nasty rumor I heard.) So far, however, I have been in an outside cabin (which means you have a window looking out at the ocean) with single beds when I traveled with two family members, an outside cabin with one huge bed taking up the majority of the square footage, and most recently, an inside cabin with no window at all.

And I learned a valuable lesson in this inside cabin. Well, actually two lessons: One, it won't ever happen again. The "no window" aspect, I mean. I WILL cruise again, I can assure you of that. And two, I won't get stuck without a window again because I was disoriented all the time without it. When I woke up in the morning, I never really knew if it WAS morning. It could have been midnight for all I knew, I had no way of knowing. In an ocean view room I could look outside and tell. Without it, I was simply at a loss about what time it might be. So, in the future, we will pay a bit more (less than $100 usually) for a room with a view, as water logged as that view might been.

Have I mentioned how large these ships are? Stay tuned.....

Luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury.

Coco Chanel

Cruise Control: Day 2

Food, glorious food!

Pastries in the Atrium

Coffee Bar

Traditional British Meal

Buffet

Welcome to the buffet

Waiting in line for pizza!

I can just see the orphans in the Dickens novel dancing among the scarred wooden tables, rejoicing in the fact that they finally had food.

Kind of like cruise folks dance into the buffet line three (or more) times a day, reveling in the vast array of entrees, desserts, salads (notice desserts came before salads here), rolls of all kinds, fruit, soups, veggies...the list goes on. I had heard travelers talk about the food on cruise ships, but until you see it yourself, it's a bit hard to process.

It's unlimited, for one thing. And the choices often stretch for dozens of feet in either direction. 

The price of your ticket includes food. Where else can you take a vacation for seven days for under $500, including enough food to, well, sink a ship? Maybe tent camping in the mountains, but I learned to enjoy sleeping in a soft bed and not having critters sneak into my bedding at night a long time ago. Your cabin, excellent service (see Cruise Control, Day 1 for that story), PLUS all the food you can stomach for that ridiculous price? Not too many other opportunities out there. I know, because I have tried to find them.

There are several options for dining, too. When you book a cruise, you choose an evening dining time, either early (around 5:30 or 6 PM) or late (around 8:30), and at the appointed time you head to the dining room assigned to you. Keep in mind, most of these ships carry between 1000 and 4000 people, so they provide multiple dining rooms. When you show up there, you are shown to your table, complete with white tablecloths, beautiful place settings, crystal glasses, and real flowers in the vases. (I don't know how they do that one on longer cruises...where do they keep flowers to keep them fresh that long?) 

The server snaps open the napkin for each lady and places it in her lap, welcoming everyone and taking drink orders. Another chance to be dazzled by the service. As a woman who cooks at home, I'll take this kind of treatment any day, believe me. (I've asked several of these waiters if they would come home with me, but no takers yet.)

If you decide you want two entrees, just ask. No extra charge. One of each on the menu that night? That's fine by them. Don't like the one you thought would be tasty? They'll whisk it away and bring something else in a flash. Dessert choices always includes a sugar-free option, and on this trip I saw more gluten-free and vegetarian options, too. Your wish is their command.

But if all of that is a bit too formal for you, head on over to one of the many buffet lines in other areas of the ship, and chow down. They're open probably 18 hours a day. The coffee bar in the atrium is open 24/7....I just discovered that on this trip.(Additional charges do apply for specialty coffees, but we're all used to that anyway, aren't we?) Everywhere you turn, there it is: food, glorious food!

Your travel companion can roll you back to your cabin later.

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

Cruise Control: Day 1

It wasn’t easy getting on the ship this time. But it is best that I experience cruising from more than one perspective, I imagine, especially if I plan on taking all of you along with me.

You know all that talk about budget cuts in Washington these days? Most of us yawn and turn down the volume since all the politicizing is posturing anyway, designed to get the other side of the aisle in Congress to buckle under the weight of all their obstructionism. But in this case, I came face to face with the results of the cut-backs. Or I should say, there weren't many faces to face at all at the US Customs desks as over 3000 travelers tried to get off the ship I was waiting to board. (We experienced the same lack of assistance at the other end of our trip, but more on that later.)

My previous embarkations were as smooth as the Caribbean’s aquamarine surface that would soon surround this huge floating party boat. No waiting, no glitches, nothing standing in the way of all the fun to come. The port personnel in this case did the best they could to process the incoming 3000 in a little over three hours, but the line I had to stand in stretched off into the distance—I literally could not see the end of it—and then it folded back over itself and wended its way back to where I started. But in the meantime, I chatted with the people standing around me and made some new friends. The time passed quickly. (I never saw any of those people again once we boarded, which is a testimony to how large these vessels actually are.)

Once inside the terminal, things happened fast, too, and soon there it was—the gangway leading up to the ship and a host of welcoming crew members. It is astounding to me that these folks can get that many people off the ship, clean and reset everything, and then take on another 3000+ to sail out of port so quickly. They dock at around 7 AM and the ship then heads back out to do it all over again at 4 PM. Amazing. Plus they all keep smiling.

I think this is what is so enticing about spending time on board a cruise ship: the level of service is extraordinary. You need extra towels in your cabin? No need to ask—your cabin steward (who I am convinced must hide in the wall directly outside my door to watch our comings and goings) will notice how many you use and will add extras until you finally reach the perfect number for you. Want all your meals served in your cabin? Just pick up the phone and ask—you’ll never have to leave the comfort of your (admittedly very small) cabin. You don’t feel like walking from your table in the dining room to get another glass of water? Just look up—you can be sure that a server is watching for your signal. He will hustle off to get what you need.

They smile, they agree, they are present without being pressing.

It’s important that the neophytes at cruising among you understand that, although these service professionals are superb at their jobs, there is a price attached to it. At the end of your journey, you will settle up your tab with the purser, part of which includes about $12 a day in tips for the staff. But I’ve always believed that we get what we pay for—and I am more than willing to pay these people to pamper me a few times a year. The ridiculously low price of the cruise includes food, cabin, ports of call, and a beautiful vacation, too. These tips still don’t push the cost of the entire trip off the fiscal cliff.

           

It’s a steal and heaven knows we don’t generally experience this level of service at home.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about food. Just make sure you’re hungry.

Year by year we are learning that in this restless, strenuous American life 

of ours vacations are essential.

Ellsworth Huntington

Anti-ci-pation......

Anti-ci-pation......

Anti-ci-pation......

You remember that song, right? I think it was Carly Simon who was lamenting that anticipation was makin' her late and keeping her waitin', but that refrain is dominating my mind right about  now.
Oh, you want to know why (or what) I'm anticipating? Let me share.....

A week from today, almost to the minute as I write this, I'll be boarding a ship for a 7 day cruise to the southern Caribbean. Heaven.....

Worth a little anticipating, as far as I'm concerned.

Some folks, upon learning of my upcoming trip, look at me aghast, wondering why I would agree to get on a CRUISE ship! Don't they run aground a lot, or lose power due to on board fires, or forget how to back up? How about diseases that run rampant throughout the ship way out there in the middle of the ocean, with no easy escape?

Well, yes...all of that could happen, I imagine. But I know an intersection near my house that makes Daytona Speedway look like a senior citizens' exhibition, and I still travel it every day. And even though planes fall out of the sky once in a while, I get on one occasionally if I want to get where I need to be.

In other words, I play percentages. The chances of disaster befalling ME on the cruise I chose are miniscule, taking into considering the number of voyages these ships make with no incidents at all. Could it happen? Sure, but I'm betting on the side of most likely not.

And I've learned, since I've reached the point in my  life where I can take some trips like this, that the anticipation of the journey is almost as fun as the actual voyage. We booked about three weeks ago, and ever since we've noted the number of days on the calendar in a variety of ways: 

"Do you realize that two weeks from RIGHT NOW we'll be boarding the ship??!"  

"Seven nights from tonight we'll be dancing in the night club on the cruise!!"

"It's only five days until we'll be arriving in [name of port] to take the sightseeing tour!"

 Anti-ci-pation......

And the other thing I learned from my previous cruises is that the actual event lives up to all this pre-excitement, something that is not always the case. No phones, no computer, no demands at all: just people waiting on me hand and foot, lots of quiet time to read, write, snooze, whatever I choose to do. As I have aged, I have become a world-class cloud-watcher, with the ability to sit and do absolutely nothing for long periods of time, with no guilt about it at all. For someone like me, a former Type A personality, that is huge. And wonderful. 

And a cruise plays to that new ability. 


A writer has to write, though, so I'll keep a journal and share some of my experiences on the cruise when I return, especially for those of you who think I'm a little crazy for getting on that ship to begin with.


Anti-ci-pation......

“Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!"

Dr. Suess