Wooden Dutch shoes and all things.....wrinkled

After seven days at sea on this ship with a Dutch-looking flag, the shore can't appear off my balcony on the ninth level fast enough. This is my fifth cruise in a span of three and a half years; it may be my last for a while.

Without opening myself to a libel suit, I did know that this particular cruise line catered to "older" cruisers. Meaning those WAY over my own age. (For those of you new to this page, I will qualify for Medicare in six days. I congratulated the on-board blues band for proving there were actual pulses aboard ship with mine, something I seriously doubted for the first few days aboard.)

Some other clues that I had picked the wrong cruise line this time.....

• Even if this Dutch-sounding cruise line had provided a pair of their wooden shoes to all those who came aboard, it wouldn't have slowed these people down any more than they already were. 
• The spa spent most of its time presenting seminars on taking care of your feet.
• The bar called "Chocolate Seduction" was never open, probably because no one who crawled on board could remember what that second word meant. And their doctors had told them to avoid the first one anyway. (Bad for those hearts.....)
• I didn't get splashed even once in the pool by a person younger than 80. Actually, the pool never had more than five people in it at any one time.
  

  

  A lonely pool.....

• All the "Name That Tune" games featured music from the Big Band era.
• .....and all the games were over by sunset.
• Most people were reading real books.
• The bars were populated only by a crew member wiping the already-clean bar...a lot. 

  

  A lonely buffet area....

  

  The lonely barkeep.....

  
  
• What's up with this mouth-breathing thing with older people?? Mysterious. But maybe that's why I was feeling anxious to get back to shore; all the oxygen around me was being sucked out of the air.
• The nurse automatically asked what blood thinner patients were on before passing out band aids.
• The only noise in the passageways at night came from the lonely "DING!" of an elevator.....once an hour or so. 

  

   A lonely theater....

I thought I would welcome a vacation at sea sans children and drunks. In exchange, though, I got  more gnarled feet that I ever care to see again and no activities that even smacked of a trip to the tropics. (I sadly remembered the great deck parties that started even before the ship sailed...on all those OTHER cruise lines.)

All of this is another reminder of the axiom that continues to prove itself as I age to perfection: Be careful what you wish for.

“If you didn't remember something happening, was it because it never had happened? Or because you wished it hadn't?”
― Jodi Picoult, Plain Truth

Cruise Control: Day 2

Food, glorious food!

Pastries in the Atrium

Coffee Bar

Traditional British Meal

Buffet

Welcome to the buffet

Waiting in line for pizza!

I can just see the orphans in the Dickens novel dancing among the scarred wooden tables, rejoicing in the fact that they finally had food.

Kind of like cruise folks dance into the buffet line three (or more) times a day, reveling in the vast array of entrees, desserts, salads (notice desserts came before salads here), rolls of all kinds, fruit, soups, veggies...the list goes on. I had heard travelers talk about the food on cruise ships, but until you see it yourself, it's a bit hard to process.

It's unlimited, for one thing. And the choices often stretch for dozens of feet in either direction. 

The price of your ticket includes food. Where else can you take a vacation for seven days for under $500, including enough food to, well, sink a ship? Maybe tent camping in the mountains, but I learned to enjoy sleeping in a soft bed and not having critters sneak into my bedding at night a long time ago. Your cabin, excellent service (see Cruise Control, Day 1 for that story), PLUS all the food you can stomach for that ridiculous price? Not too many other opportunities out there. I know, because I have tried to find them.

There are several options for dining, too. When you book a cruise, you choose an evening dining time, either early (around 5:30 or 6 PM) or late (around 8:30), and at the appointed time you head to the dining room assigned to you. Keep in mind, most of these ships carry between 1000 and 4000 people, so they provide multiple dining rooms. When you show up there, you are shown to your table, complete with white tablecloths, beautiful place settings, crystal glasses, and real flowers in the vases. (I don't know how they do that one on longer cruises...where do they keep flowers to keep them fresh that long?) 

The server snaps open the napkin for each lady and places it in her lap, welcoming everyone and taking drink orders. Another chance to be dazzled by the service. As a woman who cooks at home, I'll take this kind of treatment any day, believe me. (I've asked several of these waiters if they would come home with me, but no takers yet.)

If you decide you want two entrees, just ask. No extra charge. One of each on the menu that night? That's fine by them. Don't like the one you thought would be tasty? They'll whisk it away and bring something else in a flash. Dessert choices always includes a sugar-free option, and on this trip I saw more gluten-free and vegetarian options, too. Your wish is their command.

But if all of that is a bit too formal for you, head on over to one of the many buffet lines in other areas of the ship, and chow down. They're open probably 18 hours a day. The coffee bar in the atrium is open 24/7....I just discovered that on this trip.(Additional charges do apply for specialty coffees, but we're all used to that anyway, aren't we?) Everywhere you turn, there it is: food, glorious food!

Your travel companion can roll you back to your cabin later.

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

Cruise Control: Day 1

It wasn’t easy getting on the ship this time. But it is best that I experience cruising from more than one perspective, I imagine, especially if I plan on taking all of you along with me.

You know all that talk about budget cuts in Washington these days? Most of us yawn and turn down the volume since all the politicizing is posturing anyway, designed to get the other side of the aisle in Congress to buckle under the weight of all their obstructionism. But in this case, I came face to face with the results of the cut-backs. Or I should say, there weren't many faces to face at all at the US Customs desks as over 3000 travelers tried to get off the ship I was waiting to board. (We experienced the same lack of assistance at the other end of our trip, but more on that later.)

My previous embarkations were as smooth as the Caribbean’s aquamarine surface that would soon surround this huge floating party boat. No waiting, no glitches, nothing standing in the way of all the fun to come. The port personnel in this case did the best they could to process the incoming 3000 in a little over three hours, but the line I had to stand in stretched off into the distance—I literally could not see the end of it—and then it folded back over itself and wended its way back to where I started. But in the meantime, I chatted with the people standing around me and made some new friends. The time passed quickly. (I never saw any of those people again once we boarded, which is a testimony to how large these vessels actually are.)

Once inside the terminal, things happened fast, too, and soon there it was—the gangway leading up to the ship and a host of welcoming crew members. It is astounding to me that these folks can get that many people off the ship, clean and reset everything, and then take on another 3000+ to sail out of port so quickly. They dock at around 7 AM and the ship then heads back out to do it all over again at 4 PM. Amazing. Plus they all keep smiling.

I think this is what is so enticing about spending time on board a cruise ship: the level of service is extraordinary. You need extra towels in your cabin? No need to ask—your cabin steward (who I am convinced must hide in the wall directly outside my door to watch our comings and goings) will notice how many you use and will add extras until you finally reach the perfect number for you. Want all your meals served in your cabin? Just pick up the phone and ask—you’ll never have to leave the comfort of your (admittedly very small) cabin. You don’t feel like walking from your table in the dining room to get another glass of water? Just look up—you can be sure that a server is watching for your signal. He will hustle off to get what you need.

They smile, they agree, they are present without being pressing.

It’s important that the neophytes at cruising among you understand that, although these service professionals are superb at their jobs, there is a price attached to it. At the end of your journey, you will settle up your tab with the purser, part of which includes about $12 a day in tips for the staff. But I’ve always believed that we get what we pay for—and I am more than willing to pay these people to pamper me a few times a year. The ridiculously low price of the cruise includes food, cabin, ports of call, and a beautiful vacation, too. These tips still don’t push the cost of the entire trip off the fiscal cliff.

           

It’s a steal and heaven knows we don’t generally experience this level of service at home.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about food. Just make sure you’re hungry.

Year by year we are learning that in this restless, strenuous American life 

of ours vacations are essential.

Ellsworth Huntington