The LIST......

No one told me about this. There are just so many surprises as we age, aren’t there?

It seems that the day your Medicare card arrives in the mail, something else comes with it. I’ve never actually seen this list of “ ready-to-use after age 65” statements  myself, but I’ve been exposed to enough people in this category to surmise that it does indeed exit. It has to….why else would so many older folks use them on a daily basis?

You know the ones I mean, right?

“Look how fast he’s going!! What’s the big hurry anyway??”

“Only girls wear earrings. And he needs a haircut, too.”

“Look at all those tattoos! You know what they’ll look like when they’re our age, don’t you?”

“How do you carry that purse around? I’m surprised you don’t have back problems.”

“Why can’t they have paper towels in bathrooms anymore? I hate these blower things.”

And my personal favorite:

“Why are all these people out on the roads? Isn’t it a work day? I thought there was a recession.”

And each such statement is followed with a sound that I used to think writers made up, but it actually does exist. I’ve heard it myself:

Harumph!

But to make it all the more fun, EVERY time we drive an interstate or go shopping, or need to use a public bathroom or venture forth anywhere, the applicable statement is pulled out from their wallets (behind their Medicare cards where they hide it, I guess) and used as if WE are deaf and didn’t hear it the first thousand times or so they said it.

I know, I know. I’ll be there myself soon and should have more empathy. In all fairness, it does seem to take a few years past 65 before these statements are used regularly, but they seem to catch up with everyone eventually.

You’re probably right, I should be more understanding, but in the two years until that happens, I’m taking my huge purse and going shopping. I may even speed a little along the way.

And I’m sure I’ll hit a few bathrooms while I’m out (a topic in this category for another day), and I assure you that I won’t mind those hand blowers a bit.



 The older you get, the more you tell it like it used to be.
-- Author Unknown

 

 

 

 

What's that tattoo say??

What's with the bruising? I walk around looking like a social worker might want to take notice, with mean looking bruises on my legs and arms, all from seemingly insignificant bumps against things like the edges of desk drawers that SOMEBODY left open. One day I caused a bruise on my thigh by resting a heavy box on my leg as I balanced to open a door, although I forgot what I had done as I watched the brown welt turn colors over the next few days. Where did THAT come from? (Impaired memory as we age, coupled with a tendency to bruise easier makes for really fun thought experiments, take my word for it.)

It makes getting dressed for a semi-formal event (I don't go to formal events, so no problem there) a bit difficult, what with the fact that no one wears pantyhose any more.The women, I mean. Here I've got bruises and other unexplained brown spots on my legs...which USED to be one of my best body parts...and nowhere to hide them, unless I want to highlight my age YET AGAIN by wearing pantyhose with my sexy strappy sandals. I've even tried concealer on my legs, but I ended up leaving it on the seat at the concert hall downtown. Bet they didn't like that as they cleaned up after the show. And afterwards, I had all those distracting, blotchy marks showing anyway.

Maybe the answer is tanning. No wait.....that causes cancer. And someone my age tries to protect the ones we have left, the years I mean, so purposely chalking time off the tote board of life doesn't make sense. Does it? I think most people know that those tanning beds are life-stealers, but they seem to be busy all the time, anyway.

Just last week, the nice saleslady in the lingerie department looked at ME with suspicion when she saw the huge bruise on my mother's arm...the one she got from running into a rack in ANOTHER store the week before. That woman was thinking about calling social services on me, I swear she was.

It's a conundrum. If you're under age 50 or so, you have no idea what I'm talking about, other than to recall the "old people" you know who do seem to have lots of bruises tattooing their bodies. You will, too, no matter how you try to hide behind that trite "But it will be different for me!" wishful thinking. All those secret thoughts you have about "old people" (don't lie, I know you have them) will come back to laugh and point in your face someday. Save this column to remind you.

Maybe that's the answer, though. Bruises can be the new tattoo art for those of us marked without the benefit of needles. Our skin is already sagging, too, so we won't have to listen to that boring warning about "What do you think that tattoo is going to look like when you're old and have sagging skin?"

I'm going to throw all my pantyhose away now.

"Life is full of bumps and bruises. It's what you learn from it and what you do with it that makes you who you are."