The headliner........

You should be the headliner in your own life.

Just picture it: Your name in lights!

Yes, you. The woman with her arm draped over the frig door, contemplating one more meal for the hordes who drift through your house (some of whom actually live there), eating, traipsing dirt into your living room, dragging dirty sports paraphernalia behind them like aliens stuck to their backsides. And then eating again. That arm is actually holding you up, isn't it? Your energy is gone, your food, too--and so are the dreams you once had for yourself.

To write.

To sing.

To paint.

To dance.

To soar.

But you refuse to add your own name to the calendar. Everyone else's lives are there, dates marked in red. The kids, your spouse, your family, his family, the pets. But not you.

"I'm not sure what [person A] will need on Friday, so go on ahead to the art show without me. It's OK."

"No, I can't plan anything with the [girls' night out group, the sorority, the reunion planning committee]; the cat has a vet appointment."

"Sorry......I can't."

"Not sure....."

"I'd love to go, but....."

Goals? Dreams? How about just one night out to do what YOU want to do? Do you even remember what that is?

 What's wrong with using that red pen to schedule an art class, a writing group, a hot bath behind a locked door?

No one else will do it for you. They're too busy eating.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 
― Mae West

Suck it up, folks......

My daughter is approaching 30, so I guess it's time to give it up. WAY past time, actually.

You may have even heard me whine this well-worn excuse a time or two: My stomach pooches out due to my (one) pregnancy, the one where I gained 50 pounds. I was 35 at the time, well past the age of a tight, toned body of most 20 year olds who begin child-bearing earlier than I did. Bodies just don't pull themselves back together as quickly as we age. 

Plus, there is the fact that for 9 months, I craved Egg McMuffins and apples. (The apples probably aren't to blame for too much, I admit that; my daughter does love apple juice, though. A lot.) Those yummy egg and cheese muffins, though? They became daily treats, if I'm being honest.

Thirty years is a long time to pull that excuse out whenever I stand in front of a full-length mirror, though, and grouse about that bulge that hovers around my midsection. I work out now--four or five times a week, two of those with a personal trainer--although I always have, sometimes more than others, but I've always paid attention to fitness. I joke that I have great abs under there somewhere, we just can't see them for the layer of "baby" fat I still carry around.

About three weeks ago, I  dragged the weary excuse again out while I was with my trainer and realized how idiotic it sounded. But my irritation with myself didn't answer the question of why all my work has left me with great arms, strong abs, improving legs ....and a fat stomach. Somehow in the midst of a conversation with myself later in the day, I thought "I wonder if I just have let my muscles in that area get lazy and weak, while I rely on my time-worn pregnancy excuse?"

So, what did I have to lose? I sucked in my gut and bam! Much better....except that I couldn't breathe. Well, that's not going to work. I almost gave up (and we know where that would have led......back to talking about baby fat), so I concentrated really hard and pulled my stomach in and practiced some deep breathing until I could do both at the same time. (Coordination has never been one of my strong suits, which my dance instructor can attest to.)

Anyway, it only took about three weeks and the improvement in the appearance (disappearance?) of my mid-bulge is quite amazing! I can pull my gut in AND breathe at the same time. I think I can even see some abs now, unless they are my ribs, but that's good, too, right? (If you are younger than about 50 and are laughing at me right now, STOP it! You'll be here someday and you'll feel bad that you laughed at me.)

Aging and all its consequences are often out of our control. But how many times do we use getting older as an excuse, just because we can?

Suck it up and take back control...whether it's your midsection or whatever consequence of aging taunts you.

A woman has the age she deserves. ~ Coco Chanel

Mirror, mirror on the wall......

I wake up sometimes and simply don't recognize my landscape any longer. Just when I had learned who peers back at me from the mirror every morning, strange happenings began obscuring that image and then started to make silly faces behind my back, startling me out of my new-found complacency.  Who would have believed we still have so much to learn at this stage of life?

I guess that's my purpose here, though. To alert all of you, especially my younger readers and friends, about what might lie ahead for you, too. All these surprises have been  a huge shock to my system, so I'm passing the lessons on to you. No charge, of course.

A few years ago I finally looked into that mirror, square on, and admitted that daily face-to-face contact with a partner doesn't work for me. It just doesn't. And I had embraced that reality, at first with some trepidation, and then I threw my arms around it with joy. I was free!

I had my work, my dance lessons, and my friends. A life lived with fullness and gratitude, one that fit me exquisitely. The quiet aloneness that once oppressed me enveloped me instead, hugging me with comfort and beauty, my time my own to fill or not, no questions to answer about timetables or destinations.

It worked for me and I loved it.

But many of us, whether paired or not, are facing a new challenge, one that didn't penetrate our awareness with any reality until it was our reality. Human that we are, we think it will never happen to us. Until it does.

My parents were inseparable. And then my dad's mind slowly fractured, piece by piece, until his essence was simply.....gone. His body continued to occupy the recliner in their living room, but he truly was not there. Finally, his body gave up, too, and my mother--his partner for nearly 70 years--was alone for the first time in her life. Ever.

What to do?

But you know, don't you? Doing the right thing in life tests us, challenges our comfortable reality, forces us to straighten our spine and then adjust that mirror to a new angle.

Maybe the lesson is to enjoy that reflection every morning of our lives. Accept where we are and be grateful that we are anywhere at all. And then be ready to tilt that mirror at a moment's notice.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Maria Robinson



Trains running us down.....

Remember when we were in school and we had to learn to read timelines in some really interesting class, like history or geography? Time meanders along that line from left to right, the years and centuries passing easily, no bloodshed or angst along the way. Just like real life, right?

Oh, I don't think so. Hold up there a minute, OK? Our perspective changes daily anyway, but as we age we find that we're viewing our personal timelines from right to left, looking back along that line of bad decisions, joyous occasions, and just plain stupidity that have played out in our lives. The individual events on our personal timelines are different, of course, but I bet most of us over the age of 50 can look back along our histories and pinpoint places where we wish we had exercised a bit of good judgment or intelligence instead of...well, what we did.

I've become so aware of this, especially as my daughter matures and makes her own way. We see our kids headed like trains toward a stop on their timeline that looks a lot like ours did, and we want to throw ourselves on the tracks, stopping that engine any way we can in order to save them the heartbreak and trouble we experienced. We might have even tried once or twice, and sometimes they listen. More often not, though.

There is this human learning curve that seems to dictate that we tote around our own timelines, absolutely sure that WE won't fall into that trap, you know, the one that older people warned us about? Get out of the way, Mom, I love you but you didn't know what you were doing. THAT won't happen to ME, so thanks, but I'm staying on this track and I'll call you when I get there.

Unfortunately, THERE usually ends up looking exactly like a station I got stuck in once, too. And when they call, they need help to get the heck out of there. The locomotive ran them over and chugged on ahead without them.

In our culture, older people are not seen as having anything worthwhile to add to our lives. They're used up and worn out, sitting in corners, tolerated, or worse yet, ignored. When they talk, we nod and smile and discount them.

You notice I'm suddenly including myself in the WE. Because we were no different, were we? We refused to accept that someone else, and certainly not an aging parent or mentor, might have been able to save us from hurt and pain and expense. Intelligence skipped your generation, Dad, so thanks but I'll be on my way.

Until our perspective shifts to viewing that timeline from the far end of the darn thing, backwards through time already passed. Then, we find ourselves beginning a lot of sentences with, "If only I'd listened........" And the train moves on down the tracks.

I never expected that. I didn't aim for that. All I wanted was to get some nice pictures of trains at night.

O. Winston Link